i received a message this afternoon while i was at work asking “how is alfie by now?”, to which i immediately picked up phone and rang home. no answer. this is how my head works: straight away i’m thinking “FFS! something has happened and there is no answer because it is THAT bad!”. so i leave work. i get home to find Alf sat on the sofa with the biggest (fekin huuuuuge!) fat bottom lip. he looks up at me with his sorry-for-himself-eyes. Relief. He’s ok. He’s home. We cuddle.
but his fat lip. it’s proper huge. and then come the tears. from me. and they haven’t stopped. there were no phone calls from school letting us know what happened. paul says that if they thought it was that bad, they would have phoned. it is that bad i tell him. we can see where the tooth has gone into his lip. he hit his mouth on a desk. i know accidents happen and i don’t blame anyone. but a phonecall would have been nice.
i bet he cried for me. i bet he cried for his daddy. i bet he cried for us both. and we weren’t there. and this is what hurts me. this is what is making my heart fucking ache…and my nose constantly run…too much info?! anyway, my point is i feel like i’ve let my babi boi bach down today. big time. i wasn’t there when he needed me. ouch! that hurts.
right now he is snoring flat out right next to me in our bed. and here he will stay for tonight. just in case he wakes in the night and needs his mam.
pathetic isn’t it? over a flippin fat lip. but you didn’t see his face when he realised he couldn’t eat what we were having for tea.
robb could see that it was upsetting me and kept telling me Alf was going to be fine. i know he is, jeez, there’s kids out there with serious illlnesses etc. it’s just the guilt that i wasn’t there for him. but, do you know what robb said to me? he said “mam. why don’t you bake a cake?! baking always makes you happy!”
so tomorrow, we bake. the biggest cake there is. for my bois bach. my everything.
ps-sorry for the drama over something silly and for boring the knickers off you.